I have been asked to join the new culture project team. I would be thrilled about that – it is always nice to do something that does not involve numbers for a change – if it wasn’t for one thing: the project is led by a new HRD Mona. I have not had much to do with Mona yet, but it was already enough. Let’s just say her parents chose the name well.
It is a bit of a mystery why I am in demand at all, but hey, it is always good to add to my experience. I think Mona has come from a kinder type of company and has been horrified to see how unhappy everyone is here. Somehow, she has managed to convince the Higher Beings, our executive management team, to allow her to conduct an internal culture review. All credit to her, we struggle to convince them not to just take everyone’s benefits away when profits are down, so spending time on checking how happy everyone is seems quite out of character.
Employee survey
Mona has a three-step plan. I like things that come in threes, longer lists get so much more tedious. First, we are going to run a survey. Hmm. We already run an engagement survey every year and each year it gets longer and longer as we try to find questions that will elicit a positive answer. The workforce development folks are brilliant at making it look like a proper survey, while making it impossible to criticise anything about the organisation. The results, when they come out, sound like something written by the top employer’s awards. Believe me, none of this is true.
Now, incredibly, we are going to ask employees directly what they think of their manager’s communications and their work environment from an emotional point of view. It is all a bit alien; we are a tech company, and we do not do emotions. Other questions relate to feeling respected and how positive behaviours are modelled by the senior management team. Seriously. This is just asking for trouble.
As always, the survey is meant to be anonymous, but it includes so many factors, such as location and department, it is going to be fairly obvious who said what. Also, I know for a fact, that the person collating the survey has access to the employee ID against each answer, so it will not take long to name names. Since I have been working here, I have never answered a survey honestly, it is just too dangerous.
Focus groups
Once the survey has gone out, we are going to conduct focus groups. That is fine, but I am a bit worried I will have to do one myself. I have done one of course. You do not get through life in HR without running some sort of feedback group, but typically I would be doing that in an area I feel comfortable with, like pensions. Asking people about how they feel is way out of my comfort zone. Luckily, Mona only wants me as a sidekick to a facilitator from the HR generalists and for me to review the notes and see if anything was missed. That I can do.
It is fascinating to watch a professional at work. I am supporting Madeline who is from the workforce development team. I have not seen them developing anything other than pointless slide decks, so I will admit I am biased. Watching Madeline run this feedback session gives me another perspective.
She starts by putting people at ease and confirming nothing they say will be attributed to them directly, it only will be used to collate a report on the company culture. That is fine, but they are still being asked to say things in front of other colleagues. I would not trust my colleague Lazy Susan with that kind of information. However, Madeline manages to soothe people into confessing their gripes and groans.
Data collation
Finally, we must collate the results and produce a report for the Higher Beings. I am disappointed to discover that is where I come in. I create a nice deck with charts and tables. Of course, I have access to look up any ID to see who said what. I keep that out of the report, but it makes for very interesting reading. I sigh at the feedback given by my colleague Lazy Susan; she thinks it would be a nicer company if the workload was less intense. Mad. All she does is look at her phone and drink coffee. Any less actual work and she would need to pay us rent.
Before Mona takes it to the board, she wants to hold one-to-ones with some of the Higher Beings. None of the functional leaders has come out well, not even HR. I would love to be a fly on the wall when Mona meets with Big Bad Boss, but these meetings are confidential. I do notice he is a bit rattled when Mona has finished with him.
I should be pleased. I should be hoping that Big Bad Boss will change his ways and make a better work environment for us all, even Susan. The problem is I have been here a long time and although he drives me crazy with stupid demands and unrealistic timescales, I am used to it, and I do not like seeing someone else be horrible to him.
Next time…Candid looks at hard cash.
